Little by little

This blog is long overdue some motivational thinking. So here goes. 

I think I'm starting to identify one of the areas I'm going wrong with life. I've recently started a new job, which is working in weight management; so I've been learning a lot about psychology, as our relationships and behaviours with food, and also our ability to change long established behaviours, is really complicated. When I say I recently started, I mean 2 weeks ago, so about as recent as your can get; so I've only so far absorbed a tiny iota of all of the psychology involved, but what I have learnt so far has given me cause to ponder on things.

It always feels like I have a million things to do, in my own time and at work. I never feel like I get enough done, there is always more to do. It feels like there is never time to think about things after they've happened, because there's always something else to rush on to. Looking back, I think this stems from when I first had depression, and ended up dropping out of college for a year. Afterwards when I started to feel better, I felt like I had missed a year of my life. At the time, I think I almost blamed myself for being that way, and felt I had wasted those days, although now I know more about depression, I know that of course that's not true. So I wanted to catch up, and I think that mindset has always stayed with me. There is so much I want to experience in life, and the thought that I missed out on that year really pushes me to do even more now.

So, I feel there is always a lot to be doing. Plus, I work within the environment of the NHS, where everywhere is under-resourced, but the high workloads keep growing. It's very target oriented, and the pressure is constantly there that however much you have done, it's not enough. 

So, and I suppose this makes sense once you step back and think about it, I never feel like I've ever achieved what I should have done. Which makes me anxious. And that part I'd never really realised until after I'd got help and started feeling better this time. I never realised I was anxious as well. Feeling like something is squeezing your heart, can't think clearly, heart beating faster, sleeping badly. All the signs are there, but so easy to ignore when it's there all the time in the background. I honestly didn't even notice I had been feeling like that until I started to feel better. and realised how good I felt!

So, how to manage these feelings to prevent me from going back there again?

I feel so privileged that in my job patients allow me into their lives and to work with them. I really learn as much from working with them as I hope they do from me. Working with clients and making action plans, the evidence all shows that if we try and change something big all at once, we won't succeed or maintain this in long term. Rather, making a small change and embedding this, then adding another, and another etc etc, until eventually, all the small changes have added together, is the most effective way to change behaviours and maintain them.

So the last few days, I've been trying to work this way myself, and have been trying to break things down and tackle one thing at a time. Sure there's loads to do. But it's important to enjoy it too. Life's a journey, and the important thing is to enjoy the journey, not just to get to your destination.

So, in the last 4 weeks I have achieved 5 things:
1. The Elescar Skelter Marathon 
2. The Vanguard Way Marathon
3. Move to London
4. Start new job
5. The Three Forests Way 54 miles

And it's important, I realise, to think about these, and celebrate them. With regards to my running, I'm now up to 42 marathons, and by my maths (which is getting better with all the bigger numbers involved with ultra-marathons), means I've 8 left to do before the end of the year. 

Which seems like a lot, and I felt quite anxious about how I was going to do them all. But what would be the point in doing them, if all it did was cause these negative feelings? I realised I needed to enjoy this journey, otherwise it would be a waste of precious time.

So I broke it all down into small bits, sorted out each one, stuck it all back together, and have now got the whole list (bar one): 

1. Chiltern Marathon 11.09.16

2. Purbeck Marathon 18.09.16

3. Amesbury Amble Marathon 09.10.16

4. Thames Meander Marathon 05.11.16

5. It's a Number's Game Day 1 (6 hour run) 12.11.16

6. It's a Number's Game Day 2 (6 hour run) 13.11.16

7. Steppingly Step Marathon 20.11.16

It's great. They're all booked in and paid for, written in my diary, and I now they're all in there, I know there is also plenty of other free time to do other things that are important to me, like seeing friends and family, holidays, evenings out etc etc as well.....

And there's still one left to book, but that's OK, because that's just one little piece, and that seems completely achievable.